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Current State of Mind

I'm sure you've noticed I haven't been posting very often the past few months. Pretty much ever since we moved. I wanted to attribute it to not having the office set up, and dealing with all the stuff we had to deal with the past few months, but the truth is, between all the big life changes, I'm struggling with the concept of this blog. I haven't been happy with the content for a long time now. We love the cats, and I know you all love the cats, but I never intended for the blog to be 95% cat posts...

I've been feeling... inauthentic as of late. Like, there are so many things I have/want to say but I don't know the right way to say them and I don't know if this is the space for all those thoughts. Then I feel silly because this is my space and I can say whatever the heck I want to, right??? And isn't that why you all keep coming back here? (Hey, if you keep coming back here only for cat photos, I completely understand and no judgement there!) But I feel as though I've lost my voice here. And I hate that! If I can't be myself on my own blog, then what the heck am I doing here?!

I was recently talking with one of my new colleagues about how, in the food industry, the people we work with quickly become our family. We spend so much time together that it's easy to get to know one another on a more personal level. But even knowing each other personally isn't the same as knowing each other intimately. I was reflecting upon how the majority of conversations I have with other people, even a lot of people close to me, are very much on the surface. As a society we're reluctant to get intimate with many people. For good reasons, of course! I don't need everyone on the street to know my business. And I'm not one to hesitate when it comes to speaking my mind, but I would love to be able to speak more freely. To make deeper connections with people. And I want this space to be a reflection of that. I'd like to be able to speak my mind, and tell you guys more of what's going on in my life, in my brain. There's no shame in any of that!

Lately I've been wondering if I even want to keep blogging. I love this community! But I often feel as though I don't have much to say. Or that I can't find the words for the things I do want to say. I used to be so much more eloquent - I don't know what happened. We get older, and we lose that teenage angst, and the words just don't come as freely anymore. That's something I've been meaning to work on... and the best way to work on that is to write more, right? Even writing this post is stressing me out because I feel like there's so much I wanted to say, but it's just not coming out the way I want it to. My words don't reflect me. But they do! The things we say and do are the biggest things people have to judge us by, right? So why is it so hard to be authentic when we're writing? Some of my favorite bloggers are the ones whose posts read like conversations. I'm actually jealous of that! I don't feel like myself on here sometimes. I feel too.... edited sometimes.

I have always tried to be true to myself and to reflect that self onto others. But I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately - I don't feel like you guys are getting a taste of the real me here anymore. And I intend to change that. No more scratching the surface- I want to get deep with you! (Well that sounds sexual, doesn't it?) Let's get real. I'd like to give you more than just cat photos and wish lists. I want this to be a space for conversations. (Even if they're just one-sided.) I want this to be a space for thoughts and feelings. (Even I'm much more thought, than feeling.) I want this to be an authentic space. I want to claim this space as my own again.

Let this post serve as the beginning of a shift back to authenticity. I would be delighted if you would join me on this journey!